


Grunkle Sphinx

by zfiledh



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gravity Falls Weirdness, Monster Falls AU (sort of), Sphinx Ford
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 21:45:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7818430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zfiledh/pseuds/zfiledh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by Monster Falls AU & @midnitedirectives' Sphinx Ford. This is what happens when a curious scientist stumbles on a strange book at a sale. Drabbles about transforming into a creature of myth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Grunkle Sphinx

"H-how...how did this happen, Great Uncle Ford?" asked Dipper. Beside him, his twin sister Mabel seemed to have lost the power of speech. She just stood next to him, gripping his upper arm so tightly, Dipper was afraid his circulation was cut off.

The children were rightly shocked, as they went down the stairs that morning and spotted their Grunkle Stan standing next to an enormous mythical creature with a familiar face. Their Grunkle Stanford had turned into a Sphinx. His face seemed to be the same at first glance, but looking closely at it, his nose and mouth seem to be partially morphed into a lion's muzzle and his face was covered in light gray fur. His hair now extended to a fluffy mane of dark gray the same color as his hair. His lion's body was the same shade as the fur on his face, ending in a tufty tail the same color as his mane. His wings were a dark gray, with the feathers becoming lighter in color as they reach the tips.

"I'm not precisely sure, but I have a theory," Ford replied with a twitch of his great wings and a flick of a tail. With large paws, he pushed forward a large book bound in old leather and what looked like bleached bones lining the spine. "Careful in picking it up," he warned as Dipper peeled Mabel from his arm and stepped forward to pick up the tome. "Don't run your fingers down the spine of that thing. That was the last thing I remember doing before I opened the book to a page on Sphinxes."

Dipper reached out and picked up the book. "Dr. Crackpot's Book of the Damned," Dipper read aloud. He looked at Ford wryly. "Really?"

Stan gave his brother a smug look as Ford looked away, his tail twitching erratically. "It was on sale!" he growled. Then he looked at his niece. "Are you okay, Mabel?"

Mabel finally found her voice again, and it was going up several octaves. Ford tensed in alarm.

"KITTYYYYYYY!" Mabel squealed as she launched herself at her Grunkle the Sphinx. Dipper jumped out of the way as his twin collided into Ford's chest, burying her face into his prodigious mane. "GRUNKLE FORD IS SO FLUFFY!" she squealed as she began to scritch the sides of her Grunkle's neck.

Ford started to look equal parts alarmed and delighted with the scritchings. His tail started swishing back and forth lazily.

"Uh--Mabel, Dipper and I need to--oooh, right there, right there!--EHEM, your brother and I need to discuss--GAH, I can't concentrate!"

Stan and Dipper had to jump back as Ford went to lie down on his side with a loud THUD, the floor vibrating a bit from the impact; he was no match against his niece. Mabel moved to sit on Ford's back and continue petting and giving him scritches. Dipper and Stan looked at each other; their twins looked like they were having the time of their lives. The next thing they knew, a loud rumbling sound echoed inside the room. It was as loud as--but more soothing than--a running car engine.

"Ford, are you PURRING?" asked Stan. He was trying hard not to laugh.

"I know lions can't purr, and sphinxes are part lion. Maybe he's the exception," said Dipper, scratching his head. He saw his sister's face. "What is it, Mabel?"

"D-Dipp-err, y-yo-u-u g-go-ot to-o tr-ry-yy thi-is!" Mabel replied, her face transported in glee. Her voice shook with the vibration of Ford's purrs. "He-e-e's li-i-ike a-a ma-assa-age ch-ch-a-ai-air!"

"Yes. Yes I do want to try it!" said Dipper stoically. Then he gave an unmanly squee before he ran a few steps and jumped on Ford. "Y-yo-ur-r ri-i-ight! Thi-i-is i-is co-o-ol!"

"Guess we're not breaking the curse today," shrugged Stan. "Just try not to shed all over the place, Stanford."

"I'm not going to shed," Ford grumbled, but he continued purring as Dipper and Mabel joined forces to scratch his neck and ears, enjoying the attention. Maybe there is no harm in being part-feline for a while...


	2. Hygiene

It was quite the experience, being a Sphinx. Ford didn't have the urge to give everyone a riddle to solve like the legends say. But he did have to be careful when navigating around the Shack; on his first day as a Sphinx, Ford walked into the gift shop and knocked over most of the merchandise with his wings. Stan had not been happy with that, ordering Soos, Wendy and the kids to clean up the mess. Ford learned to fold up his wings as close to his body when moving about.

It was the third day of his transformation. Ford and Dipper were sitting on the floor of his study. Or rather, Ford was lying on his stomach (Mabel called it "loafing") while his great-nephew sat cross-legged next to him with Dr. Crackpot's book opened on the floor. The two of them have been thumbing through the yellowed pages, looking for something that would help change Ford back into a human.

"I dunno, Great Uncle Ford. This looks like an encyclopedia of monsters, but it's not in alphabetical order!" Dipper muttered, turning a page to a woman's scaly torso with bat-wings on her back and a serpent's tongue hanging out of her fanged mouth. "Oh, that's disturbing!"

Ford grunted, agreeing with his nephew. He was really only half-focusing on his nephew's comments, as he was distracted by an assortment of scents for the past several minutes. Somehow, he was able to isolate the smells: sweat, old sweat, something earthy, ink, and dust.

Ford realized two things: one, he's now capable of identifying individual scents from one odor or source and two, his great-nephew _reeked_.

"Dipper, don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you took a bath?" he asked carefully.

It worried him that Dipper actually _paused_ to think about it. "Uh...the other day, I think?" Dipper responded, rolling his eyes upward. He suddenly looked up at Ford. "Wait, why are you asking me this?"

"Because it seems my sense of smell has greatly improved, and your smell is distracting me," Ford explained. His tail swished left and right on the floor as he looked at Dipper. He couldn't explain the feeling that came over him. No, an urge--the smell _MUST_ be neutralized...

Dipper looked nervously at Ford, who lifted himself up by his front paws, his inscrutable stare never wavering. The boy started to sweat. _What was up with him?_ he thought.

"Uh, you know what? I need to get going!" said Dipper, giving his Great Uncle a big, nervous smile while closing the book. He slowly got up to his feet, realizing that the top of his head didn't reach Ford's chin while the Sphinx was sitting. The tufty tail kept swishing left to right.

Dipper breathed in deeply.

"I'llseeyoulateratdinnerIgottagobye!"

He turned and started to run for it, but a large gray paw grabbed him by the waist and reeled him in. Dipper yelled as Ford trapped him between two large paws.

"I'm sorry, Dipper, but this is for your own good," said Ford, forcing the boy to sit down.

"Wait, what are you gonna--?!"

And then Dipper felt a large, raspy tongue run from the back of his neck up to the back of his head...

\--

_Meanwhile, somewhere in the woods._

Stan drove the golf cart through a path in the woods, regaling the tourists with tales about Gravity Falls' "legendary" Sascrotch, when an unusual sound pierced the air, making the birds caw and fly away from the trees.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...!"

The tourists gasped.

"Good Lord, the Sascrotch claimed another victim!" yelped a man.

"Oh, that poor little girl!" cried the woman beside him.

Up in front, Stan (who recognized the scream) cleared his throat and said, "Uh--that's actually the call of the rare--uh--Goober bird. Yep, that's totally not made up! What a treat, folks! Now over there..."

\--

An hour later, Mabel arrived back at the Shack from her boy-talk session with Grenda and Candy. It was a very satisfying discussion about the merits of the pop group, the Bronas Cousins, and their hotness factor.

When she reached the attic room, she opened the door and found her brother in front of the mirror, wearing a bathrobe and toweling his head.

"Wow, Dipper," she said approvingly. "You took a bath earlier than--WOAH, YOUR FACE IS SO PINK! Whaaaaat?"

Dipper dropped the towel, exposing his face on the mirror's reflection. His disgruntled face and ears were very pink, as though it had been given a vigorous scrubbing.

"Don't ask," he muttered. He raised a tube of ointment. "Please tell me it's safe to use this antiseptic cream on my face."

\--

Downstairs, in the bathroom inside Ford's study, Stan leaned against the doorway while he watched his furry twin slurp from a mug filled with blue liquid. When Ford raised his head to gargle, Stan took this opportunity to ask, "What the hell were you thinking, Ford? The kid thinks it's a waste of time to take a bath every day!"

Ford scowled at him before spitting out the mouthwash into the sink. "Probably the lion's side of being a Sphinx," he explained. "Cats need to groom to wash off the scents that would make them vulnerable. Dipper's odor activated that instinct. Bleagh, I hope he washed his hair thoroughly."

"Well, at least you got the kid to take a bath today," said Stan. He chortled when Ford returned back to the mug for more mouthwash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The entry of the woman’s torso with the bat-wings was a description of the manananggal, a monster from Philippine folklore.


	3. Mabel-Care

"You're offering to do what?"

Ford raised his head up from his folded paws, looking the small figure framed in the doorway of his study. Mabel stepped into the room, giving him a small smile while raising a pink basket that contained what initially looked like assorted brushes.

"I'm offering to be your hair-and-furstylist for the day!" replied Mabel. She placed the basket on the floor in front of him and put her hands together, forming a steeple. In a serious tone, she continued, "Grunkle Ford, since you became a Sphinx, I noticed that your mane is in need of some Mabel-care. We're family! I'm here for you and I want you to feel and look good!"

Ford blinked, and lowered his chin to look at his mane. "Well, I haven't been able to hold a brush since I became a Sphinx," he said thoughtfully. "Okay, I accept your offer of 'Mabel-care'." He looked at the basket on the floor. "What do you have there, my dear?"

"Oh, just some brushes and assorted hair care accessories," Mabel said airily, selecting a large green comb from the basket and approaching her Grunkle. She gave him an appraising look before declaring, "Why don't we start with the hair on your head?"

"Sure thing," agreed Ford, lowering his head back on his paws. Mabel knelt next to him and proceeded to comb his hair. The comb immediately stopped at some tangles.

"Oh boy, I got here just in time!" Mabel muttered, tutting and shaking her head. She used her fingers to gently untangle the gray strands and combed carefully through the hair, unsnarling what the comb encountered before combing the area again. Her gentle ministrations were rewarded with Ford's thunderous purrs.

Mabel grinned and spontaneously hugged Ford's neck. "I love it when you purr, Grunkle Ford," she said gleefully.

Ford smiled, turning a bit to rub Mabel's head with his own before she resumed combing his hair. "That's because the Mabel-care system is very soothing," he said, resting his head back on his paws. Then, "By the way, do you know where Dipper has gone off to?"

The brushing stopped. "Uh, Dipper is around," Mabel replied carefully, resuming the untangling. "Somewhere in the Shack. I mean, he doesn't hate or anything. He's still looking at that creepy book to find out how to help you. His face is less pink now, but the good news is, he's taking a bath every day!"

Ford winced; inwardly he felt bad for suddenly grooming the boy to neutralize his odor, but also pleased that Dipper has started taking regular baths. _No head of hair should be that salty_ , thought Ford.

After a few minutes and a bit of teasing with her fingers, Mabel declared, "Hair is done! Now for the 'mane' attraction! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!"

Ford snorted, raising his head up to give Mabel access to his mane. As his mane was thicker than his own head of hair, this took longer for Mabel to comb through. The combing was very soothing, Ford thought, and he felt his eyelids getting heavy...

\--

Ford became aware of voices speaking softly nearby...

"Mabel, what did you do to him?!"

"I helped him, of course. Gave him the ol' Mabel makeover too while I was at it! You know me, Dipper, I'm a helper!"

"Aw, man, he's not going to like this..."

"Look, just take the picture! This is going into the scrapbook!"

"Take a picture of what?" asked Ford, yawning and stretching. He sat up and spotted Dipper and Mabel standing nearby. Mabel looked at him with the biggest smile on her face he had seen yet; in contrast, Dipper looked at him in shock. Ford was pleased to note that the boy smelled better than before.

"Ah, there you are, Dipper!" said Ford, smiling at his great-nephew. "I want to apologize for what happened yesterday regarding the--uh--grooming."

"Oh, that's okay, Great Uncle Ford," said Dipper in a somewhat high-pitched voice. Ford looked at him curiously; the boy seemed to be trying hard not to laugh.

"Grunkle Ford, trust me on this one: you look GREAT!" Mabel gushed at him. "I've always wanted to try out that hairstyle on someone!"

Ford smiled, then gave a start. _Hairstyle?_

He turned and padded towards the mirror in one corner of the study. The kids followed him to the mirror; Dipper clapped a hand to his mouth, his expression somewhere between horror and amusement.

Ford looked into the mirror and just...stared. His creative niece had tied the top layer of his mane into some kind of lattice-work pattern, covering his neatly brushed mane beneath.On every portion where the hair was tied, Mabel attached a wildflower. Completing the look was a wreath of wildflowers on his head.

"Surprise!" cried Mabel, throwing a handful of flower petals over him. "So, what do you think, Grunkle Ford?"

"I...I..." Ford stuttered. He was trying to find words that would spare his niece's feelings when another voice boomed into the room.

"HOLY MOSES! What happened to you, Stanford?!" Stan yelled from the doorway. Ford and the kids turned around and spotted Stan gawping at his brother.

"Mabel-care happened," Ford sighed. He looked back at the mirror and tilted his head. "I have to admit, this is pretty good, Mabel."

Mabel beamed at him.

"All you need is a peace medallion and a VW bus and you're all set for the Woodstick Festival," Stan remarked. Then he rubbed his chin, looking speculatively at his brother. "Y'know, we could use a new attraction." He raised his hand and said, " _The Know-It-All Hippie Lion_! We'll charge fifty dollars a picture and another fifty for--"

Stan wasn't able to share what the extra fifty dollars was for, as he had to run out of the room when Ford bounded away from the mirror in his general direction. 

Dipper was finally able to let go of the laughter that he had to keep in for several minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Google "lattice hair" to see what Mabel did to Ford's mane. :)


	4. Dipper and Mabel's Guide to...

A floor above the Mystery Shack, a pair of pre-teens are looking at an assortment of items on the floor. Mabel rubbed her hands together in anticipation while Dipper finished writing a checklist on the notepad.

"We're all set," he said, putting down the notepad and looking at his sister. "So, which one do you want to start with?"

Mabel looked at him while fighting to keep her squeals contained.

\--

Ford looked up from the Book of the Damned as Mabel walked into his study.

"Hi Grunkle Ford," she greeted him loudly. "Can I knit here? It's too hot up in the attic to knit."

"Of course, Mabel," Ford agreed. Mabel gave him a quick "THANKS!" and jumped on the couch. She yanked out a partially-completed purple-and-pink sweater and the purple and pink yarn balls from the bag she brought with her. She settled down on one side of the couch and began to knit. The room filled with the sound of her knitting needles clacking softly.

Ford tried to focus on the book, but one of his ears began to twitch at every clack. After a few minutes, he decided to close the book and observe his great-niece. She seemed to be making a lot of progress with that sweater in the few minutes that she was in this room. He padded towards her and settled down in front of a pink yarn ball. Looking at her to make sure she didn't see him, he whapped the yarn ball with a great paw, sending it rolling away to the other side of the room. Grinning, he turned to the purple ball and nearly jumped; Mabel had moved closer to his face without him realizing it.

"I saw that," she whispered, grinning. She then raised a finger and playfully poked him on the nose. "BOOP!"

\--

That afternoon, the Mystery Shack had to close up early for the day. For some reason, the Shack became overrun by stray cats. After chivvying the tourists from the Shack (and Stan half-heartedly trying to sell a few cats to them), everyone had to catch and move the cats out of the Shack. Ford was the most successful in getting them to leave, pouncing in their midst and roaring at them, making the felines yowl and scamper away.

Dipper and Mabel looked at each other and shrugged while putting a couple of cats into a box.

\--

"Great Uncle Ford, do you ever get the urge to scratch something?"

Ford looked down at his great-nephew. They were walking around the Shack that late afternoon.They had managed to clear the Shack of cats. Stan was lounging on the couch on the porch, drinking his third can of Pitt Cola.

"Scratch something?" he asked.

Dipper looked down at his Grunkle's paws. "You know, to sharpen your claws? I read that cats do that; it's why they sell scratching posts at the pet store."

Ford raised a paw and unsheathed six claws. "Oh, THAT. Actually, I've been maintaining these claws for a while now. I have to do my scratching away from the Shack."

"Really? Why?"

"Because Stan caught me scratching at the totem pole a few days ago and kept yelling me about it for a solid hour," explained Ford, pointing to something behind them. Dipper turned around and spotted the long gashes on the bottom part of the totem pole.

"Yeah, well, I had to find a way to explain that off when the tourists ask me about it," said Stan. "I'm building up the legend of Eduardo Dicey-Fingers, mad Colombian scientist, for the past couple of days now."

Ford growled a little, then abruptly stopped when he spotted a bright red dot hitting the base of the totem pole.

"Did you see that?" Ford asked Dipper.

"See what?" Dipper asked innocently.

"That--that red light. Right THERE!"

At the last word, Ford bounded towards the light. He nearly hit his head on the base of the totem pole.

"Woah, careful there, Ford!" Stan called out, semi-rising from the couch as he saw the totem pole sway from the impact.

Ford bounded after the red light, chasing it in circles, crashing against a few trees and knocking over a few signs ("FORD!"). When he turned around and faced the Shack, he spotted a shadow on the roof and abruptly stopped. The dot disappeared as the shadow gave a squeak and dropped down on the platform on the roof.

"Mabel???" Ford called out.

Up on the roof, a slim arm in a pink sweater went up and waved at him. "Hi Grunkle Ford!" Mabel called out. "I'm just lying down here, doing nothing suspicious!"

"Good heavens, whatEVER are you doing up there, Mabel Pines?" said Dipper in a highly unconvincing tone of concern. Ford turned to look at Dipper; he found his great-nephew was edging sideways towards the porch, looking completely guilty.

Ford started to piece together the events. "Wait, that was all you two?" he asked, looking at Dipper.

The boy looked down at his feet, shuffling them. "Well, Mabel and I were wondering how much 'cat' you were now," he admitted. "And we kind of came up with some tests to check our theory." He took another sideways step towards the porch.

Ford looked up at Mabel. "The yarn ball," he said.

"And a bonus nose boop!" Mabel admitted from the roof.

"And the cat invasion?" asked Stan, leaning forward and giving Dipper a look.

Dipper gave a nervous laugh. "I guess the catnip spray was more potent than we realized..."

"Really? I thought Stan tried on a new cologne and didn't think about it," said Ford in surprise.

"And then the scratching question and the laser pointer," said Stan, completing the list of "cat" things the children did for today and ignoring Ford's comment. "So, what didja learn today?"

"Uh...that Great Uncle Ford is about 95% cat?" said Dipper, scratching the back of his head.

"And?" prodded Stan; from the corner of his eye, he spotted Ford quietly approach his nephew from behind. Stan hoped that Mabel would keep quiet, but a muffled squeal from the roof alerted Dipper to the danger. He turned around just as Ford pounced on him.

"AAAAAAAAAH! I'M SORRY, GRUNKLE FORD! I'M--AAAAH!"

Ford had grabbed Dipper's middle and enveloped the child in his paws. Dipper was laughing and groaning at the same time as Ford gave his grand-nephew a noogie with one paw. Stan laughed and dropped his can of Pitt Cola to approach them.

“This is how you give a noogie, nerd!” yelled Stan as he put his Sphinx twin in a headlock and gave Ford a noogie.

Up on the roof, Mabel yelled, "Hey, I want in on that Sphinx bonding! Wait for me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a bit of research on the effects of catnip on big cats. One sanctuary confirmed that some big cat breeds are affected by catnip EXCEPT for their resident lion!


	5. Glitter Paint Shenanigans

"Come on everyone, slap some more glitter paint on the sign!" ordered Stan, while Soos, Wendy and Dipper slapped on a new coat of the paint on the large "Mystery Shack" sign. "I can hear you slacking from here, Wendy!"

"You're not even seeing what we're doing here, Grunkle Stan!" Dipper grumbled, slapping the roller onto the "Y".

"Yeah, what are you doing on the other side of the roof, Stan?" Soos asked curiously as he dipped his roller into the bucket.

"I'm an old man; I'm entitled to taking a break in my own home!" Stan whined. They hear the pop and the fizz of a soda can being opened. "This is the life!"

"Yeah, rub it in, why don't you?" Wendy whined. "Hey, where is Mabel anyway?"

"She's hanging out with Great-Uncle Ford, looking for fairies that don't barf," said Dipper. "Frankly, I'd take the barf fairies over glitter painting the Shack any day...hey, do you hear that?"

Wendy and Soos paused their painting to strain their ears. They heard something crashing through the forest and faint screaming getting louder by the second.

"Get back here, you disgustingly animated lawn ornament!" roared a familiar voice.

"Ford?" Stan said, sounding incredulous.

"Somebody stop this crazy human-lion!" screamed a voice. A gnome with a brown beard leaped out from a bush and scampered towards the Shack, followed closely by what looked like a large gray lion with wings.

"I don't care if you take disturbing squirrel baths, Jeff; when I get my paws on you, I'll turn you into a chew toy!" Ford snarled as he bounded after the fat gnome around the property.

"What has gotten into him?!" Stan yelled, standing up to look at his brother chasing after the squat little man in blue overalls and a red pointy hat.

"Grunkle Ford found out about the gnomes trying to get me to marry all of them!" yelled Mabel, running out of the forest and spotting Ford running around the corner of the Shack.

"Ew, really?" said Wendy, looking squicked.

"She's my NIECE!" Ford snarled, doing a quick U-turn around the totem pole trying to get Jeff. "How dare you try to force my niece to marry you!"

"I didn't know you were related!" yelped Jeff. "I mean, if you think about it, she'll be our Queen for all eternity! It's quite an honor, really--AIIIEEEEE, have mercy!"

"That's really gross, Jeff!" Dipper yelled from the rooftop.

"Grunkle Ford, stop! He's not worth turning into a chew toy!" cried Mabel.

"I'm gonna have to side with my brother on this one. I'm getting the bat!" Stan growled, turning around to get back into the Shack.

Despite his shape and size, Jeff was a surprisingly quick scamperer. He jumped over Stan's El Diablo and started running towards the side of the Shack where the sign was being painted, then turned a sharp right before colliding with the wall. Ford was not so lucky; Soos, Wendy and Dipper nearly lost their balance when the wall shook. Soos reached out to try to grab the teetering paint bucket, but he wasn't fast enough.

They heard the bucket hit something, but it wasn't the ground. The three people on the roof peeked down at the ground and cringed.

"Aw man, that's going to be a pain in the butt to get off," Wendy muttered as Ford made a loud sound of disgust below.

\--

An hour later, Mabel and Dipper stood outside the door of Ford's room. Mabel got rid of Jeff by using the leafblower on him again while Stan led Ford out back to try to hose off the glitter paint. Unfortunately, the paint still adhered to him, mostly on his head and mane.

"What are they going to do to him?" asked Mabel.

"Maybe they can add paint thinner to shampoo and wash it off him," Dipper said hopefully. The twins turn around as they hear Soos approach; the handyman was holding a couple of items in his hands.

Dipper peered at them. "Are those electric sheep shears?"

"Where did you get those really big scissors?" asked Mabel. Then her eyes went wide as it hit her. " _No_...isn't there some other way!?"

"I'm sorry, dudes," Soos said quietly. "The paint started hardening on Ford's mane. We have to do this."

"Oh, not his beautiful mane!" Mabel sobbed as Soos opened the door and went inside, closing the door behind him. When they hear the loud buzzing of the shears, Dipper hugged his sister as she started sobbing at the loss.

\--

Several minutes later, Stan and Soos left the room. The handyman was holding a box filled with gray fur.

"It is done," said Soos solemnly.

"How is he, Grunkle Stan?" asked Mabel.

"See for yourself," said Stan. "I have to warn ya: he looks sort of naked without his mane. Don't mind that he's using his wings to cover up, ok?"

The kids nodded before entering the room. They found their Grunkle laid down on the couch, one great grey wing spread out to cover his head and a blanket covering his body.

"Grunkle Ford, are you okay?" Mabel asked softly, walking over to the sulking Sphinx. She knelt down on the floor and ran her hand over his glossy wing.

"M'fine, Mabel," Ford murmured from under the wing.

"Uh, thank you for being offended on my behalf when you heard from Jeff about the crazy marriage thing," said Mabel. "Now you lost your beautiful hair and mane over this."

"You're welcome," Ford murmured.

"Won't you look at us, Great Uncle Ford?" asked Dipper. "It can't be that bad."

"You tell me," said Ford, folding up his wing enough to expose his head.

Mabel could not help it, she let out a yelp. Ford was left with a buzz cut covering the top of his head. His face and thick lion's neck was shaved clean as well. After days of walking around as a Sphinx, it is jarring to see their Grunkle with pink skin.

"It's--it doesn't look that bad," said Dipper softly.

Mabel leaned forward, noticing something on Ford's neck. "Grunkle Ford, is that a tattoo?"

"Nope!" Ford yelped, unfolding his wing again to cover his head. "That was nothing! Uh, I told Stan I'll be staying in my room until I grow back some fuzz. I feel exposed."

Mabel leaned back, deciding not to push the issue.

"This is unacceptable!" Mabel declared. She stood up and walked to a drawer, opening it and lifting out one of the many red sweaters that Ford has. "Dipper, can you go upstairs and get me my knitting supplies? I have a plan..."

Dipper looked between Mabel and Ford, slowly getting an idea of what his twin was planning. "You're going to need sewing supplies too," he said. "Get one of Grunkle Ford's pants..."

\--

Stan thought that he would have to bring Ford his dinner that night in his room, which was why he was quite surprised to find his brother trailing behind Dipper and Mabel towards the kitchen.

Stan just stared: his brother was wearing a red turtleneck sweater and pants. Somehow, his wings were unencumbered by the sweater and his tail was swishing behind him, which meant that his pants had a hole in it to accommodate it.

"Well, you look dapper tonight," said Stan. He walked forward and looked at Ford's wings. "It buttons at the back. Smart!" He turned to grin at his niblings. "Something tells me this was your doing."

"Yup!" said Mabel, hooking her arm around Dipper's neck and pulling him in for a hug. "We recycled one of his sweaters and put a hole in his pants to make this look work! We had to adjust his pants a bit..."

"I had to convince her to leave my trenchcoat alone for now," said Ford, grinning at Mabel. "Do you have any idea how fast Mabel can knit? It's amazing!"

"I had help!" added Mabel, giving Dipper a noogie. Dipper laughed and pulled himself away from his sister's grip.

"All I did was put a hole in the pants and sew in the buttons behind the sweater," explained the boy, but he smiled broadly at his sister. "But I have to say, this was a brilliant idea, Mabel."

Mabel beamed at her brother.

"At least you won't have to hole up in your room until your fur grows back," said Stan, putting a large bowl of food in front of Ford. "Though if you're anything like me, Ford, you should grow some hair back by tomorrow."

"Ugh, don't I know it," groaned Mabel, remembering the time she tried to shave Stan's chest hair off to improve his looks. She looked behind her and made sure that Ford was eating before lifting a paper from under her sweater and showed it to Dipper.

" _That's_ his tattoo?" he whispered. At Mabel's quick nod, Dipper snorted into his brown meat-meatloaf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For midnitedirectives, whose Sphord art inspired me to write this. :)


	6. Fur and Feathers

The following day, everyone woke up to find that Ford was once again covered in fur. Dipper, Mabel and Stan were relieved but not surprised at this development.

"Eh, I knew you'd grow the hair back," Stan said nonchalantly. "Though I was expecting it to happen sooner. Like a minute after you were shaved."

Dipper, who learned about Stan's unusual chest-hair growth from Mabel, walked around his furrier Grunkle with a look of scientific interest. "It might have taken longer than usual because he's got more hair than you do, Grunkle Stan."

Stan rolled his eyes and muttered, "Quality, not quantity."

"And his fur is even softer than before!" Mabel exclaimed, burying her face in Ford's newly sprouted mane. "So floofy!"

Ford smiled and purred for his great-niece's benefit. "It was a nice surprise to wake up to," he said. "And there's a genetic explanation for the hair growth..."

\--

That afternoon, Ford walked into the TV room and found Dipper and Mabel in the middle of an intense, hushed discussion.

"I don't think he can do it Mabel. He doesn't have enough wing span for it..."

"Psh! He can totally do it! With his smarts, he'll figure it out. He just needs the chance..."

"What chance?" Ford asked; he couldn't help himself. He figured that the children were talking about him.

The younger twins turned around and spotted Ford padding towards them. When Ford sat down, Mabel spoke before Dipper had the chance: "Dipper and I were wondering if you could fly. I told him you could!"

Dipper looked nervous. "I wasn't sure you'd be able to. I mean, there's the body size to wingspan ratio to consider..."

"But you said that lions don't purr, but Grunkle Ford was able to..."

"Actually, Dipper has a point," Ford interjected. He unfurled one of his wings and looked at it for a while before turning to the children. "What do you say we try to put these to the test?"

Dipper and Mabel looked at him with identical expressions of delight. Dipper jumped up and ran from the room, shouting, "I'll get the camera!"

\--

In a clearing several feet away from the Shack, Mabel stood in front of the camera holding up a piece of cardboard. At Dipper's signal, she began to say, "Hi! Welcome to the Grunkle Sphinx Test Flight Experiments!" Mabel put down the sign and continued, "We're here to see our Grunkle Ford try out his Sphinx wings. Test number one: flapping!"

Dipper then focused the camera to Ford standing in the middle of the clearing. At Mabel's insistence, he wore goggles over his glasses and a football helmet that a customer left in the Mystery Shack for some reason (the latter was disinfected at his insistence). He stood on all fours, spread his great gray wings and started flapping.

Off to the side, Mabel beamed excitedly. The wind generated from Ford's flapping created dust clouds and put Mabel's hair in disarray. Dipper had to hold on to his cap to prevent it from flying off his head as a pair of gnomes tumbled past his legs in the draft ("SCHMEBULOCK!").

Suddenly, something soft and scratchy hit his face.

"Mmph!"

Dipper raised his hands and felt his face. His eyes widened when he felt a thick thatch of hair covering his mouth and chin. The tendrils of hair tickled his nostrils as Dipper became aware of a high-pitched purring.

"Dipper, why do you have a BEARD?" he heard Mabel ask beside him, her voice getting louder with each word.

Dipper turned to reply to his twin and jumped back instead.

"I'm not the only one with a beard!" Dipper yelped, pointing at his twin's chin. "YOU have a beard too!"

Mabel looked down at herself; sure enough, her jawline and torso were covered in a magnificent long brown beard. It was also purring like Dipper's beard.

Their combined yells spooked the birds out of their trees and made the Beard Cubs curl on their faces in fright.

\--

An hour and a quick shave with Stan later, the experiment continued. They agreed to keep away from the woods and decided to make the trek up a hill nearby. This time, they were accompanied by Soos, who helped Dipper pull a large makeshift wagon up the hill.

"Remind me again why we need this wagon?" asked Soos as they approached the top of the hill.

"We--that is, I need to generate enough speed going downhill to get some lift," Ford explained. "Just to speed things along, we've decided to expedite this experiment by using this contraption."

Ford then let Mabel put the goggles and helmet on him before stepping on the wagon while Soos pointed the camera at Dipper.

Dipper looked at the camera and held up a sign. "Welcome to the Grunkle Sphinx Test Flight Experiments. We're now on test number 2: gliding."

\--

_Two hours later..._

Stan and Wendy were restocking the gift shop when the door opened. Stan looked up to see Dipper and Mabel running inside. His niblings were covered in leaves, dirt, and what looked like multicolored, chunky paint.

"Yeesh, what happened to the two of you?" asked Stan.

"Well, the good news is, Great Uncle Ford can fly if he rolls down a hill and spread his wings wide," said

Dipper. "He was able to glide over the trees for several minutes."

"We got it on tape!" Mabel said cheerfully, holding up the camera.

"So, what's the bad news?" Wendy asked.

"He landed smack-dab in a large nest of barf fairies," Dipper muttered.

"They were beautiful, but gross!" Mabel added.

Stan and Wendy cringed at the same time when they finally realized what the multicolored stuff was. Stan walked around the counter, took the camera from Mabel and handed it to Wendy before leading the kids back out of the house.

"Wendy, get the soap, shampoo and towels from inside, would ya?" Stan said loudly over Dipper and Mabel's protests. "No one's getting inside until all the barf is hosed off."

Soos chose that moment to peek through the door. "We're gonna need a bigger brush, dawg!"

"On it!" said Wendy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @thesnadger and I came up with a theory about the spontaneous hair growth. I wrote it here (just remove the spaces and replace DOT with an actual period):
> 
> zfiledh DOT tumblr DOT com/post/144583103693/the-family-that-cant-be-shaved


End file.
